Thursday, September 17, 2009

Diagnostic essay: "Lazy Linguistics"


Jameisha Harris

Eng 111-63
Diagnostic Essay

8/27/09

It was a slow week. The television bored me, my friends were all working and if I had watched another video on Youtube I’d probably cry. So having nothing better to do, I decided to remove myself from the computer screen and get something to eat. After perusing through my refrigerator, I settled on leftover steak, onions, and mushrooms and the remaining portion of mashed potatoes from KFC. Twenty minutes after the fact I trudged up the stairs to my room. I threw myself across the bed and just stayed there. I turned on the television and soon I was asleep.
I awoke the following morning to the sound of drumming. Apparently I had dozed off on the African channel. As I listened to them speaking about the festivities for that day, my head began to ache. It was unlike any other headache I had experienced. It felt as though my brain was throbbing rhythmically with the drums, and I seriously doubted Tylenol would help. I had not yet realized that the headache I was experiencing held a great significance, that there was a reason my head hurt. I had awakened that morning with this amazing ability to understand different languages. It would not hit me until later that day.
I thought it was just a hunger pain and shrugged it off. I stretched, yawned, and headed for the kitchen. I grabbed a box of Lucky Charms and emptied its contents into a lime green plastic bowl. I smothered it with milk and plopped myself down in the computer chair. I logged on to Myspace and checked my mail; no comments, no messages…nothing. So I decided to read bulletins my friends had posted. I steered away from the bulletins with the angry boldfaced obscenities and clicked on one that said “Goat cheese and pearls of wisdom.”
When the bulletin opened up I realized it was just a random survey. Still, out of curiosity I decided to read it anyway. I laughed at the ridiculousness of some of the questions along with the answers the person had responded with. It had not yet occurred to me that half the answers were written in French.
As the day proceeded, while flipping through channels, I noticed that “Kung Fu Hustle” was on Spike TV and began to watch it. As I laughed at the opening dance sequence I felt the couch vibrate and noted that someone was calling me.
“Hello?”
“Hey girl, what’s up?”
“Nothing, watching Kung Fu hustle…”
As the conversation went on I arose and went into the kitchen to satisfy my slight hunger. As I poured a couple of Tostitos on a plate I erupted in laughter.
“Are you okay over there?” She asked.
Still laughing I managed to say
“Yeah, sorry about that, but the landlady is so funny. She asked this one guy ‘What’s so funny?’ and before he could answer she said ‘Rent’s no laughing matter, fairy.’ I can not believe she called the man a fairy. That was crazy, man. ”
She laughed. “Man, it’s a good thing that movie has subtitles because I know I would be lost.”
“Yeah…” I smiled. “So would…” abruptly I stopped.
“Hello? Hello…Hey!” she shouted.
“Huh?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Something just occurred to me.”
“What?”
“I understood what she said.”“Well, yeah, you were reading the…-”
“No, Jas, you’re not getting it. I seriously understood what she said. I didn’t read the subtitles. I was in the kitchen getting nachos when she said that.”
She paused. “…Are…you trying to tell me…that you speak Chinese now?”
“I guess so.” I replied just as shocked as she was.
“Are you sure you just haven’t seen the movie before and memorized the lines?”
“YES. This is my first time watching it.”
“Wow.”
“My sentiments exactly...” I replied.
We ended the conversation a few moments later and I went back in the living room to sit on the couch. I covered my eyes with my hands and proceeded to think.
“Am I losing it?” I asked myself. “Am I really going crazy or is this really happening?”
I reached in my pocket and grabbed my cell phone. I scrolled down until I found “Mexican” in my address book.
“Hey, Aaron, say something Spanish.”
“Um…okay… ¿Que estas haciendo?”
“Nothing much; watching “Kung Fu Hustle, you?” “¿’PERATE, QUE? ¿YO HABLO ESPANOL TAMBIEN?”
“Yeah, and you seem to speak it really well too.” He laughed.
“Oh be quiet, Aaron. This is no time to be goofy.”
“But I am goofy.” He said half jokingly.
“True…” I laughed. “…But you also have a serious side, which I need you to use.”
“Okay, what’s wrong?”
“Well, I seem to be able to comprehend and speak random languages.”
“What’s wrong with that?” he asked.
“Ugh. You’re not helping me. I’ll talk to you later.” I replied frustrated.
“Aww…okay ¡Chao!”
Feeling even more confused than before I sat and thought quietly. Soon Aaron’s words came back to me “What’s wrong with that?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” I asked myself.
Smiling, I imagined how my life would be from that moment on. I could watch the Spanish channel and not get a headache. When wandering through the mall, waiting for friends to get their nails done, I could listen to the conversations and know if we were being talked about. When Tasania gets mad I would actually understand her Jamaican language. Since I was already in college, I would no longer be undecided. I would travel the world and be a translator for at least eight languages. I would get paid a substantial amount, buy my parents a house, a car, do the same for myself. I would pay my tithes and bless many people. At some point I would get married and retire by age 32. Yes, life would be good.
I hopped off the sofa and picked up the land line.
“Hey mommy, guess what?” I asked excitedly.
“I know what I want to do with my life…”